Liking Myself

Hi guys. This is going to be one of those self-absorbed self-introspective posts, so feel free to ignore.

I don't like myself as a person very much right now. I don't know when this happened, and I'm not even sure why. I don't feel things as deeply as I used to. I don't have that power of self-control as much anymore, or desire to improve myself, like I did when I used to strive for grades, and learning, and awesome things like that. I don't care about others as much anymore. I talk about myself too much. People don't really come to me for advice as much as they used to. I say really mean, b*tchy things sometimes. I'm not the responsible person that someone can trust anymore, I'm the forgetful ditzy one, who can't be trusted with valuable jewelery. I never get anything done.

 A couple of months ago I made a life goal. The goal was that I wanted, in my lifetime, to bring more goodness into the world than badness. I flattered myself by saying that it's easier said than done, which is true. But is that goal really enough? Many people have probably achieved that goal without doing much, sitting on the couch, watching TV, volunteering once in a while. I don't want to be a lazy person, who maybe does some volunteer work here and there, who doesn't eat animals, even though she doesn't feel that strongly about vegetarianism either way.

 I guess I'm saying that I've always expected to be more than the average person. My standards are higher for myself than for others, because I know that I am completely capable of reaching that standard. Is it fair to subject myself to that? I feel like I should make up for a world where the average American spends 7 years of his life in front of the TV. I don't know if I can be happy with myself until I make a tangible difference. I said at the beginning of this that I've changed into a not as good person. I probably have, but I wonder if it is also my changing view on the world that makes me see myself as inadequate. I need a set of rules to make for myself, standards of my life and goals to work my way up to. That's no easy list to write, so I'll think about that. If my views on the world are always changing, my list probably won't be enough a while from now. Maybe I'll think up a universal set of them, but that'd be awfully pretentious. Hmmm...

--Gabi

Socks today: They're white and kind of lacy, and don't fit with my baggy sweatpants and sweatshirt.